How do you get your partner to treat you right? Either you have a wish or expectation that’s clear in your mind and now it’s time to make it a reality.
Because darling, we all deserve to be treated right in our relationship.
Which statement do you agree with more?
A. He/She should know what I’m upset about without me having to spell it out for them.
B. I feel like I can’t breath sometimes, like I’m walking on eggshells, and my partner needs to cool off before approaching me.
C. I wish my partner would say “I love you” more often; he/she isn’t giving me the affection I need.
The different people that shared this with us, all summed up “I’m being treated like crap!”
But “being treated like crap” is pretty relative, because the reasons and actual situations are very different, and the meaning comes from different perspectives.
If you chose A, jump to section A & C.
If you chose B, jump to section B & C.
If you chose C, read all.
If you didn’t make a choice, read all.
Section A: Expectations
You’re a very special person. You know that. And it’s sometimes irritating or downright appalling to not have your partner understand you and treat you the way you deserve.
You might even think, someone else would be dying to be your partner and give you the things you need.
But you chose this partner, and this partner doesn’t seem to quite catch on, or seems to let you down too many times when it comes to your needs. Maybe you’re too different? Maybe it’s because you want different things?
Is this a sign that this was the wrong person to end up with?
Let’s take a step back.
(I’m at fault for this too.)
This isn’t functional for a happy relationship.
It’s one of the cons that comes with having a healthy self-esteem and knowing what we want. There’s nothing wrong with these successful traits, but they have to be managed in a relationship in order to keep it happy and fulfilling.
You’re a great leader. You might have people looking up to you and admire you. You want to show you have a genuinely fulfilling relationship with your partner. Even perhaps, that your partner adores you.
But the more you ask for it (or should we admit, that we also demand for it) the more they resist (in their own way, that ticks us off even more).
This push n’ pull isn’t part of making a matrimony work. It’s the spiral to loneliness and distance (see why in Section C).
This isn’t to say ignore your resentment, bury the hatchet, and accept the way things are.
It may be a bit childish to roll our eyes when our partner asks if we need anything else, then as soon as they walk out the door complain to our friend and say “See! Do I have to do everything myself? Why do I have to even say anything? Isn’t it obvious?”
My dear, you’re not wrong to want some help, to want their participation in whatever it is you need, but to expect them to know exactly what you’re upset about is asking for the impossible (we say it with love).
This is where the ego thinks it’s their turn to play, but we can’t let feelings of indignation or self-righteousness bring ego in.
The most unhappiest relationships, according to science, are the ones that keep score.
“I’ve done this for you, what are you going to do for me?”
Besides, a relationship will never be truly intimate and extraordinary if you constantly think you’re above your partner. (Tweet this!)
Regardless of how much more money you make, how much more education you have, how many more friends you have, or even how more laid back you are.
Test your expectations of being treated right before requesting them. Is it coming from a place of indignation or from genuine need for respect?
If it’s coming from a reasonable need for respect, read on.
Section B: Hopes
We’re quite adamant of educating couples that our partners will let us down.
That’s a guarantee—besides death and taxes.
Just because you’ve fought, or you feel wronged, doesn’t mean it’s a sign that you’re not meant for each other. You’ll spend all your life jumping from partner to partner, hoping to find an argument-free relationship. When it doesn’t exist.
It’s sounds disappointing, we know.
But the benefits of conflicts when dealt with in a grown-up way, will actually make you stronger as a couple, and make your relationship more passionate.
Knowing conflict is part of a relationship—and that your partner will let you down from time to time—doesn’t mean you shouldn’t expect everyday effort, kindness, and respect.
Accepting conflict in a relationship, doesn’t mean accepting to be bullied by your partner. (Tweet that!)
An abusive partner:
—Feels entitled in a way that they never want to be displeased by you
—Justifies their using intimidation, bullying and/or manipulation when you inevitably do something they don’t like.
Sometimes it’s not easy to see abuse flat on it’s face, it can be subtle, we could be doing it without realizing, or worse, it’s part of a vicious cycle.
Let’s address the myths of detecting abuse:
Myth 1: If a person is abusive, they’re abusive all the time.
Not necessarily. In fact, the nice phases are part of the cycle.
Myth 2: If a person is abusive, it means they’re physically violent.
Not necessarily again. Some don’t even shout, but constantly degrade.
Violence isn’t just about hitting…
…it can also be driving recklessly to frighten you, damage objects around the house, not allow you to leave, sexually coerce you, or make you feel scared for your safety in any way.
Couples That Make It
Some couples do this with each other when they’re not aware of how to skillfully handle issues. There’s not a clear victim and perpetrator. These couples, with simple education and help, get passed this stage.
Couples That Don’t Make It
When there is a clear victim and perpetrator, and safety is at risk, call your local helpline for advice, better safe than sorry, right?
Section C: The Bird’s Eye View
There are two extremes, being self-righteous or lacking self-respect.
The healthy middle is to have self-respect.
Not too indignant or entitled that you ask for more than you give, or possibly overbear the relationship into an emotional abuse upheaval, and not too passive that you allow yourself to be used and abused.
When self-righteous, we have a high expectation to be treated right, causing our partner to feel like a constant failure. Making it difficult for them to feel loving towards us, and our reproach much more stronger.
When lacking self-respect, we have a low expectation to be treated right, allowing our partner to cross personal boundaries. Causing us to resent them and ourselves.
When we have self-respect, we have boundaries in place so we are more loving and compassionate towards our partner. It’s not their responsibility to set the boundaries, it’s our responsibility to do that, making it easier for our partner to respect them.
Are you unsure if what you want is a reasonable boundary? Shoot us an email at info @ lovesavvyclub dot com.
June 09, 2017