How do I send my partner the right signals?

How do I send my partner the right signals?

Why doesn’t he get it?

Do I need to spell it out for her?

If he doesn’t show me he loves me (like that meme on Facebook described), then he doesn’t really care about me.

Why does she keep pushing me away? Doesn’t she know she’s creating more distance?

Can’t he get a hint?


We hear a lot about the ineffectiveness of mind reading, and yet…

Body language is a subtle visual of our thoughts and reactions.

Some of us have a good grip on masking our emotions, but in general, the subtle tone of voice, facial expression, posture, and impulsive reactions tend to give us away.

The “I’m fine” response comes with a lower pitch, serious face, and no eye-contact. It’s a mixed message. So we go with the easy one, the one that gets us off the hook—don’t worry, no one’s spying on you. We just have a lot in common.

It’s a relief to not have to address things and go back to what we were doing, but what if we’re the one sending the mixed signal and we want them to get the point that we’re not fine, but we want them to make an effort or make the first move?

This is just an example. You may have another habit of sending a signal that comes out as a mixed message.

Let’s make one thing clear, no matter how many times you hear not to read minds, to not manipulate, to stop the passive aggressive tacts, it has nothing to do with isolated body language.

Our body language is separate from hinting.

Our body language is “saying” something we may not be aware of. But as sophisticated humans, we can notice hints.

Just keep in mind that a hint has limits and explicit communication is loud and clear. 

Hints can be confusing, because their personalized—a reaction to what is going on in your mind. But we’ll fix that barrier.

Signals are the beginning. The ignition. The Big Bang.

Flirting is based on signals, and flirting is the start of a relationship.

Flirting is a magical way to connect—or reconnect.

You’re nicer, you’re observant, you’re attentive, your participating fully.

Keep that in mind when you want your partner to know you’re feeling lonely, need some help, or attention.

Remember, how you initiate the encounter will determine how it ends.

And how you imply your message, what’s not explicitly said, may influence your partner’s response.

If there’s a specific response you desire from your partner, here are 3 things to avoid avoid and what to replace with:

1. Instead of worrying about sending the right message—and feeling more anxiety—focus on your own desires. When you feel relaxed and can be yourself, the less confusing your body langauge will be and the more confident you will feel on being clear and direct.

2. Instead of feeling disappointed that your partner isn’t serenading you, texting you all day to say “I love you,” doing the impossible to make you smile, and showing affection in specific ways that you see as appropriate, try to understand them as a person and pay attention to the way they show love that’s natural for them. Do they wash the dishes? Do they never bring up that issues you’re embarrassed about? Do they fill up the car with gas for you? It’s easier to feel lucky and accepting when we take a good look at them. When we stop expecting our partner to fit into a mold, we drop the mixed signals. We’re no longer searching for love at the same time we’re rejecting it. Uncover their style of affection.

3. Instead of demanding, warm up to them. Flirting is basically testing the waters. It protects our vulnerable side and then lets it out slowly and safely, if ever. And it’s very revealing and vulnerable to say “I need….” Prepare the both of you. It can be overwhelming to hear something strong when walking in the door from work. To prepare for this you must feel relaxed. Either with yoga, meditation, or mindfulness practices so your presences feels welcoming. You’re welcoming love and affection from your partner.


“Let your body tell you you are powerful and deserving, and you become more present, enthusiastic, and authenticially yourself.” —Amy Cuddy