Psss, have you shared with your partner what it is that you really want (fill in the blank: this weekend, to solve your recent disagreement, to feel loved, to destress, from them to support you in your goals, to feel pleased)?
Don’t worry. I won’t tell ’em.
That’s between the two of you and it’s none of my business.
But did you know about these secrets couples don’t tell, sometimes not even each other?
1. When they feel jealous
Do they hide and react in other ways? Are they up front about it? Is it often and overbearing? Is it not enough? What’s the right amount?
It’s tricky because a completely healthy and secure adult can be jealous about something their partner wouldn’t be, but it doesn’t make it any less valid.
It takes a lot of courage and self-esteem to stand up for yourself and say “I’m not comfortable with this.” It takes self-love to put boundaries with what is okay with you.
To be vengeful and play the same card is a sign of low-esteem. This person questions if they have a right, but it hurts. So they might think giving their partner a taste of their own medicine might send the message without having to be too vulnerable.
It’s important to be open and respond with compassion to whatever needs your partner shares with you, especially their need for boundaries.
2. What they like in the bedroom
Intimacy and little rituals that bring you together at the most intimate level and is private only between the two of you can be very powerful and therapeutic. Who doesn’t like a bit of a massage and to be kissed and allowing that to lead somewhere? Who doesn’t feel fulfilled when their partner knows what turns them on and what doesn’t, then really pleasing each other? Those secrets between the you two must be kept between the two of you and it’s your duty to let your partner know what are your turn ons.
3. Fixing a sexless marriage
When distance or crudeness has been on the high end recently it’s hard to wrap your love around them.
According to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor from Georgia State University, 15% of married couples report they haven’t had any sex for 6 months to a year—imagine the number of those that haven’t told anyone. She says:
“…Once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard [to rekindle their sex lives]. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication…talking explicitly about sex is essential.”
5. What they really want
Ever wonder how a trivial fight got blown out of proportion?
Our true feelings can be very private. It’s maybe embarrassing to share what we truly want or we can’t find the words to express it.
When we take a conflict on face vlaue, we neglect the needs behind the issue and fail to resolve it. The buzz word is the iceberg effect, but it’s not necessarily a large amount under the surface, but the importance of it is what counts.
6. What their hoping for in times of conflict
Many know “I’m fine” doesn’t mean things are ‘fine.’ And we have hundreds of other words we use when upset but have a deep longing behind them—even if our words don’t explicitly reveal our deepest hope, we may even say the complete opposite of our need. There are times we won’t want to admit it. If it’s chronic, then you may be paving a separate road and realize “we grew apart” when, in fact, you or partner haven’t been truly honest about their needs making it difficult to meet them, hence the feeling of distance.
These secrets don’t get shared on Facebook and aren’t meant to.
Why is it important to point out what we don’t share?
Because even though we don’t openly talk about them, we all have some secrets. It doesn’t matter how specific your sitaution is, you’re not alone.
We all have needs and desires, and we all feel disappointment in our intimate relationships.
The key is to keep these secrets between each other but not from each other. These secrets are your opportunities to build intimacy.
May 12, 2017
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