Keeping the Romance Alive After Having a Baby
A little tired. A little sleepy. Thinking, romance after baby seems a bit far-fetched. But you have a little desire to heat things up or return to the way things were before.
Before diapers, spit ups, and crying in the middle of the night.
Naturally you need time alone—away from “mini me.”
Not only will a night alone together (where you’re enjoying yourself) will bring you satisfaction, but you’ll feel closer to your partner, physcially and emotionally.
You’re gonna need this when parenting woos challenge the both of you. Suddenly your sweet little baby has yelled at you, maybe even cursed at you. Are you go to blame each other for your kid’s behavior? Or have you built up enough “connecting feelings” over the years that this kid can’t break down? And now you can handle the situation accordingly as all parents will face the troubling trials of parenthood.
What’s the first step to having some romance after baby?
Dating. Dating. Dating. Make time to date your partner.
Before we get juicy, here’s a big word of caution: Don’t go overboard!
Spending too much might through your finances overboard. Doing nothing together alone will throw your relationship overboard.
I’m sure you’re dream trip to Paris sounds enticing, but is it doable? If it ain’t, you’re more likely to skip dating all together, and forget how much of a necessity it is for all parents. All humans need connection, so all partners would need connection to keep their relationship or marriage strong, especially after having a baby.
Connection is the romance after having a baby, and it’s a basic need like food and water to build a functional family.
Children use up our resources quite consistently. Whether it be our time, our money or our energy.
What do we have left over? (snore)
Stretching any leftover resources to make an unforgettable date happen (maybe even often), might make us feel stressed rather than romantic.
That’s too much pressure. How are we to relax and enjoy ourselves with all this pressure?
Don’t be easily swept away with date night tips from mainstream magazines or pop psychology. A date night shouldn’t be another task or another expense. Any more strain for new parents is only a hindrance to their relationship.
Your time alone doesn’t have to be perfect to have a good time.
“The perfect is the enemy of the good.” Voltaire (Or tweet this!)
The Harvard Business School published a study about how a concrete goal (to make someone smile) provided greater satisfaction that an abstract goal (make someone happy).
Don’t set your expectations too high—or too low and not try this at all—and have a simple and specific goal.
If you focus on making your partner smile, you’ll make some jokes. If you focus on satisfying your partner intimately, you’ll set the mood.
Doable Date Night Ideas That Connect:
- Instead of a fancy restaurant, pack a sandwich and take a stroll on the beach/at the park, or visit a coffee shop.
- Instead of hiring a sitter, stay in and play a board game that involves conversation, or one that involves fooling around.
- Instead of staying up late and spending too much time, plan it during the day, or take a long drive with your favorite music.
- Instead of paying a sitter, switch with other parents and take turns babysitting for each other’s kids.
Setting the Mood:
Rosemary Basson at the University of British Columbia says that of the four stages of sexual desire (desire, arousal, orgasm, resolution), desire and arousal are often reversed, for women in particular. A woman is often more aroused by a partner that has started, rather than her own spontaneity.
In sum, research says:
Action precedes desire.
It’s often heard, “I wasn’t in the mood, but once we started, I really enjoyed it.”
To set the record straight:
It’s best to take action than live by default. If you want to have a good time, take the first step, and your partner will most likely take the second. If we don’t take any action to connect, and wait for our partner to come through, they might be doing the exact same thing, or think you’re not interested since you’re not taking any action.
If you want it, go for it.
And go for it often.
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