Want to charm a special person to get a first date? Or keep the romance going? Or, perhaps, do you want your spouse to fall in love with you all over again?
It doesn’t matter what stage you’re at, there are “tricks” and there are long-lasting ways that the psychology of attraction has found to make cupid hit the arrow straight—in case he missed the first time or hasn’t even shot the darn thing!
To get someone to fall in love, first understand why we fall in love. As humans, we are born to connect. We are social animals, and our survival doesn’t just consist of food and water, but “to nurture and be nurtured,” as the psychiatrist Bruce Perry says.
In my search to see what other articles have posted on this topic (before deciding to write this article), I found them most to be incomplete or irrelevant. That’s why I’m adding to the pile—to make a more accurate and complete list.
11 Steps To Get Someone To Fall (And Stay) In Love With You
…into each other’s eyes. There’s some sort of cosmic connection and electricity when not speaking but just gazing. An easy step to start off with—no talking, just looking at each other. And no I don’t mean stare each other down as if you were undeniably angry, or the poker face you’ve been practicing with your buddies, none of that. This is the first step in flirting. And yes, it breaks the ice if you give a warm look after a recent spat. On average, we look at each other 30-60% of the time, but Zick Rubin, former associate professor at Harvard University, found that lovers look at each other 75% of the time. It comes naturally, when you’ve got the rest of the steps, and if you feel inclined to gaze, don’t hide it, just do it.
Enjoying each other’s company, making time for each other gets more and more difficult with demands of work and kids and hobbies and relatives and volunteer work and etc. But whether you’re just starting your relationship, wanting to keep it the way it is, or putting the spark back in, time together is what creates familiarity. Familiarity is every marketer’s tactic to hook you on their product or brand, and make you a loyal customer. The more you see the person, or are familiar, the more comfortable and trusting you are. The rumor is women like to spend time emotionally connecting and men like to just spend time under the same roof, but you may break stereotypes like us, so in the end it’s spending time together, whatever you both like to do. Besides, who says Michael McIntyre’s Roadshow isn’t a must-see several times a month?
Speaking of stand-up, let’s revisit the notion of “laughter is the best medicine”—if we all have the same humor (ahem, symptoms). The book Love: The Psychology of Attraction quoted a 1985 study, “shared humor reflects similar values and needs, resulting in consensual validation with an intimate other on how one perceives the world.” Basically, when you and your partner laugh at the same jokes, or even at each other’s, you feel in agreement as to what is funny. You might question your compatibility if your style of humor doesn’t match. So if laughter IS the best medicine, finding the same prescription may give you some more good times as a couple, instead of more side effects. Find your common ground when it comes to styles of humor, because laughter helps us feel more relaxed and who doesn’t like someone with a good sense of humor.
4. Love Yourself
Love yourself first—that alone is attractive. Knowing you have a lot to offer will show. And nothing to do with what the mirror will show, or what your boss says about you, but your personality as a whole. The only precaution I have, which I find myself having to say a lot, is that loving yourself doesn’t mean seeing yourself better than your partner. It’s not attractive to see a person say they should have affection because they can easily get a line out the door of prospects. That shows insecurity. Meaning, demands are not attractive. A lovable person isn’t pointing out how lovable they are. If you’re having to remind your partner how special you are because they aren’t meeting your needs, then keeping reading on, so you meet their needs too.
Complimenting your partner, or special someone, gets their attention and makes them feel good. Many people report in surveys how important and “loved” they feel when their significant other takes a moment to acknowledge them, either by complimenting them, praising a recent accomplishment, or sharing gratitude. For the next week, make a list of when your partner does something that makes you feel respected, appreciated, valued, or special.
Remember to let them know of the times they’ve done something to make you feel special. It doesn’t have to be a full on monologue of how every time they offer you coffee it reminds you of your Aunt Nina offering you a cold soda during that summer that your parents divorced. It just has to be a simple: “Thank you for…,” “That’s so creative…,” “I’m so proud of you…,” “Congratulations…,” “I love your cooking…,” “You’re such a supportive father…” Short, simple, and often.
As a couple, we often do things for each other, or try to act as a team as much as possible. Some things are easier to juggle between us, and others are somewhat more difficult. In any relationship, there’s hopefully two supportive and helpful people. When one gets sick, the other cooks chicken soup. There is a baffling problem at work, and the other lends an ear and a sounding board for ideas. One wants to start a career venture and the other is understanding of their partner’s dreams and aspirations.
No matter how independent we are, and how much we like our independent partners, we all like to feel needed in some way, do things for each other, helpful in each other’s lives…meaningful. If you haven’t been as helpful, go ahead and step in and ask, “what can I do to make your day better today?” If you want your partner to feel helpful, ask them for help, acknowledging their expertise and insight on the subject, or their simple generosity, “what would you do in this situation?” And don’t forget to tell them what you couldn’t have done without them. That’s gold!
Reach for each other’s hands. Touch the shoulder or back when saying something warm. Reach out for hugs as often as you feel comfortable. Then at the end of a long day, offer your partner a full body massage. Yes! A massage can heal many wounds of the heart. A loving touch, in general, is good for our health. Dr. Holt-Lunstad and his colleagues say, receiving a head and neck massage from your partner [instead of a stranger], at least 3 times a week, reduces your blood pressure and production of stress hormones. Besides, desire can lead to many things, but something more specific. In this case, action precedes mood. That is why many say “I wasn’t even in the mood but once we started I really got into it.”
8. Magic Potions
In other words, how the chemistry of scents works on our feelings. You may not think you don’t have any emotional reaction to scents, until a whiff of a perfume reminds you of your third grade teacher, “Is that you Ms. Jones?” Walk into Bath & Body Works, and it’s sniff galore with soaps, body wash, candles, and the aromatherapy section! Apparently, we may be similar to how some animals attract mates with their pheromones. Look up “Pheromone Parties.” It’s a thing. You select blind dates by smelling their t-shirts, although there are no promises of happily ever after.
The University of Bern conducted a study of women choosing men’s used shirts, and the women chose the smell of men that had very different immune systems to their own, which is supposed to create healthier offspring. Albeit dirty shirts sounds tempting, the magic potions are in the scents that create the feelings you want. Sample aromatherapy, or a new perfume or cologne on your next date together. Find which ones to stay away from, and which scents to come back to. Ask your partner, “which do you like?”
This is more of a quick “trick” than a long-lasting “loving” feeling. You see, adrenaline can be confused for arousal or attraction. Donald Dutton & Arthur Aron created the study of Love on a Suspension Bridge, that compared the adrenaline men felt on a high and low suspension bridge, and how much they believed they were attracted to the women on those bridges. Any exciting experience will work. Ride a roller coaster, watch a scary movie, or play a competitive game. Now we know why both National Treasure films ends with them falling in love (even though they were separated in the second one). Before you try to illegally steal the United States Constitution, try playing a game of twister or jumping a trampoline. Just focus on rising the adrenaline. You’ll be better off.
We naturally like those who are nicer to us. If you’re open to rekindle and get your partner to fall in love with you again, we can’t avoid the obvious of what might be going on. You’re not a mean person, or you’re not any less worthy, but we all fall into traps of negativity and forget kindness is such a powerful tool. November 2014, the internet buzzed with Business Insider’s new article about the 2 basic traits that make relationships last, according to science: Kindness and Generosity.
Dr. John Gottman, the lead researcher in romantic relationships, is quoted in the article saying, “There’s a habit of mind that the [healthy couples] have, which is this: they are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. [Unhealthy couples] are scanning the social environment for partner’s mistakes.” Kindness is contagious when practiced often and makes the other person feel cared for, validated, and loved. Generosity is necessary when you’re feeling tired and your partner shares a need. Ignoring your partner is neglecting. If someone feels ignored, they won’t have much loving feelings.
My favorite of all: personal sharing. Don’t be a closed book. No one can connect with someone who is walled off. That means no playing hard to get. Playing hard to get only works with men if you play hard to get with everyone else BUT HIM. Got that? If you can’t talk to each other, share your personal opinions about the world, how will you ever get to know each other? We naturally share when others share. Dr. Sprecher and Dr. Hendrick found that the more couples do personal sharing, the happier they tend to be.
Dr. Collins and Dr. Miller say that personal sharing is linked to being liked for many reasons: we share more to those we like, we like others because we have shared personal stuff to them, it’s rewarding to be entrusted with personal stuff from others. And the most interesting of research is that our brain responds to personal sharing the same way we respond to food and sex. So not only share more about yourself, but allow the special person in your life to share about themselves.
This list does not mean to ignore your times of stress or that it’s not okay to feel angry or disappointed, this list is solely for getting someone to fall in love with you (all over again). As we may have been too neglectful or distant or critical or indignant in the past.
The way to capture another human heart is through affection, with all five senses, explore exciting mini to grand adventures, enjoy familiarity, reconnect, and build intimacy.
All this is within your power. I doubt that you are in any way unlovable. Show ’em watcha you got.
November 17, 2017
October 27, 2017
October 22, 2017