6 Reasons Thousands Now Succeed In Their Relationships Who Never Thought They Could
Instead of mentioning the infamous divorce rate, there is a much more important group of people to chat about—they’re not getting enough attention and have been recently growing.
This group of couples had “divorceable issues” and instead of doing what the statistics expected or following the wrong “friendly” advice, they educated themselves.
Mind blowing! I know.
These couples, which were once struggling, are now happy and stronger together.
What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.” —Dr. John Gottman, author of The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
Here are the reasons why thousands of people feel happier and more fulfilled in their romantic relationships, when they thought they would be another sad statistic.
1. They can remember how they met fondly:
As Dr. Gottman discovered in his research. The couples that ended up divorced or separated tended to rewrite their history. Meaning, after being asked about how they met or fell in love, the couples that put in a negative spin on the memory showed less affection to their partner and less will to continue trying at the relationship.
On the flip side, couples that remembered how they met in a fond way were more likely to work on their relationship, even if they had been negative with each other for a long time. Let’s face it, when we fall in love, it’s usually a good thing, and if we can remember the butterflies in our stomach, then we are sticking accurately to history. When we deny it, we are either very resentful and don’t want to show any positivity or really can’t remember why we even fell in love in the first place.
2. As the saying goes “when the going gets tough, the tough get going:”
Which basically means facing a difficult challenge and not giving up. It takes determination to stick it through, because problems will happen. That’s a promise! The ones that survived the war and are now relishing in their glory, had high levels of determination. The word stems from Latin as dēterminātiō, to describe a boundary and conclusion. The boundary keeps the couple on the path together as a decision. There’s an unwavering commitment, no matter how challenging.
3. Keep an open mind:
It’s difficult and testing to stay positive when feeling lonely in a relationship—to be betrayed by someone you love, ignored or rejected in moments of needed support and comfort, or distant from someone who was once close to you. The possibilities of happiness together seem grim, honestly.
There’s no doubt about it. I don’t think you’ll find a couple that came to the other side without admitting how challenging and brutal it all felt.
Some couples don’t admit it until it’s paid off and there have been some rewards. At this stage, the couple is not yet knowledgeable enough to know what will rescue their despair. They rely on hope and determination.
This is not enough to make it through. Things will stay the same if we don’t do the next thing.
4. Rely on the right resources:
In moments of desperation we seek help without evaluating whom the source is. There’s been a consensus in psychology that some help, even well intended but wrong, is better than no help. Although this help is a temporary fix—a band aid—it’s a jump-start.
For long-term success, we have to be a bit pickier of who can get us through this. There’s a lot of opinion out there, and we are quick to give advice that we don’t follow ourselves, but is that going to work?
Some couples happen to luckily fall into the right hands. Others go through many therapists as many times as they change their shoes, without any resolution.
It’s important to find a source of information and education that is right for you and your relationship. Not another source of conflict, but of support and guidance. Look into their background or go for a test run. Don’t settle for mediocre help. Find something that can offer you the results you’re looking for.
5. Retrain new habits:
After learning and getting love savvy, it’s time to apply what you’ve learned. We hardly ever apply new habits on the first round of learning. It’s easier to understand the information first. Then digest it by taking it from an abstract form in our mind to a methodical approach.
Since we obviously have had some bad habits we have to kick, it’s about replacing them with the useful, productive habits. It takes a ton of practice, patience and practice again. This is the stage where we know new skills are necessary. Skills are available to any person. Regardless of their age, race, height, gender, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, etc.
Skills are attainable and that is the epiphany these couples embrace. So they jump on it eagerly.
6. Continue to sustain the passion:
After all that hard work of growing together and changing our ways of communication, respect, boundaries, and conflict resolution, we can’t put the relationship in the background after all that. The spark has been reignited after building all that trust in the stage of retraining habits.
Now it’s time to keep the flame going.
Again, commitment and determination to stay on that path of being happily together. You begin to learn and evolve what makes you excited, aroused, burst into laughter, have fun, relax, or feel peaceful. Willingly, you both make the effort to provoke these states for each other, because you intimately know what exactly will cause it to happen. It gets easier and more enjoyable to do with time. You’ll know more about your partner’s positive triggers and you’ll enjoy them more as it’s easier to spark them.
Truthfully, there is a way to reduce your chances of divorce or of an unhappy matrimony, and that is getting the education and the reliable information from honest sources—not just any. Not every professional is right, and not every professional can have chemistry with all types of couples.
If you’ve never been to a class, or don’t like the idea of addressing issues with a stranger in person, or a group of strangers, you can start with online courses to get your feet wet.
The point is not to settle with your current circumstances if they feel overwhelming.
Many couples are opening up about their issues and sharing with the world their journey to be happy. They didn’t walk into it, marry Mr. or Mrs. Right, have good habits all along, not irritate each other, not lie to each other, not betray each other, or find their soul mate that can tell what is wrong and what they need by just looking into their partner’s eyes.
It’s more common to think we married Mr. or Mrs. Wrong at some point, annoy the heck out of each other, let each other down, and have to explain what hurt us and why it hurt although we’re irritated having to explain it in the first place.
All common. It happens every day.
With the surge of information and research about relationship, it is now becoming common to know how to handle all this and feel happier as a couple. An irresistible solution.
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